When I Look At You

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights are long
Coz there’s no guarantee
That this life is easy

When my world’s falling apart
& there’s no light to break up the dark
That’s when I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can’t find my way home anymore
That’s when I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I’m not alone

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like a kaleidoscope colours that cover me
All I need, every breathe that I need

Don’t you know?
You’re beautiful.

Life & Death.

To think that this is a year for growing up. The big 21. Officially an adult and all that comes with it. Scary much? Definitely. But does that mean we should give up on life? Definitely not. A death of a friend recently reminded me that even though you have the right to your own life, you still owe it to those who love you dearly and those who would willingly take a bullet for you.

Gone without goodbye, they say. How can they ever find closure? Is there ever a right time to move on? Is there ever a right time to let go?

The only remedy is TIME. Only time could hopefully ease the ache, heal the open wound. The scar will only be evidence and serve as a reminder about how fragile life can be.

May you be in a better place and finally, may you be at peace

The End of a Decade.

I guess it’s that time again when we reflect about how far we’ve come, the achievements we’ve made and the things that got lost in the way of finding ourselves. 2009 is a year of changes for me, and I’m sure, for many others as well. To help me write this post, I dug up my archives and read what the then-19 year old me had thought abt 2009.

The time has come again for us to reflect on the past year,
and pen down our hopes and resolutions for the fresh year ahead.
As like any other years before, each year is a rollercoaster ride of its own.

2008 was no exception.
Friendships were built, ties were strengthen, hearts were bruised.
Tears, sweat and blood were lost trying to save what’s dear.
Some were left broken, swept to dark corners.
While some is healing based on purely faith and trust. Slowly, but surely.
Maybe the heart is ready for the new kind of friendship I’ve found.
One step at a time.
Insyallah, we will get there.
Just don’t give up on me, not just yet.

2009.
However foggy this year seems to be right now,
I believe I will know what to do when the time comes.
You know what?
I’m not gonna say anymore.
BRING IT ON.

I had no idea what to expect in 2009. But after the year is over, I’m glad to say that it had been a good year for me. It didn’t start out well. I won’t forget the day when I got my final year results and found out that I failed a module. It was the same date that I was scheduled for an interview with MOE. I still pushed on and went for the interview despite feeling so depressed. I thought the interview was just OKAY, nothing meaningful, nothing extraordinary about how I performed. It was a long walk to the bus stop after that. I remembered that it was the perfect emo scene. I was just walking slowly in my formal wear, listening to sappy songs on Romeo and then it started to drizzle. If my life was a movie, this is the part where the sad music will be playing in the background. I refuse to meet my boyfriend despite his efforts of trying to cheer me up and on that same day, he got some pretty bad news as well. It was a bad day for us. The bestfriend, being the darling that she is, came over that evening and ordered KFC for us and we just chilled.

That day is one of the most memorable moments of 2009.
I decided to just suck it up.

Alhamdullilah.
Here I am, already with a Diploma in Accountancy,
and managed to get a teaching stint before my NIE intake.

When it comes to the matters of the heart, I’m one who goes by “if it happens, it happens”.
& it of course happened with Mohammad Firdaus.
When the year started, we were just courting or famously known as the TTM (Teman Tapi Mesra) stage.
We got together on the most cliche date ever, & I never regretted saying ‘Yes’.
Almost a year together now, & we are as sickeningly in love as we can get. Hehe.

It’s been a year of blessings for me.
It can only get better, God Willing.

I shall end this entry with one of my most favorite poems from William Shakespeare.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
 Admit impediments. Love is not love
 Which alters when it alteration finds,
 Or bends with the remover to remove:
 O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
 It is the star to every wandering bark,
 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
 Within his bending sickle's compass come:
 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
 If this be error and upon me proved,
 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 -- William Shakespeare

Have a great 2010 (:

My Eden.

For all my life, I am yours.
IMY.

No Surprise

The holidays are here! One month break.
Yes, I’m paid to be on holiday but I still have work to do in preparation for next year.
Will be teaching P1 again! I’m nervous and excited at the same time.
But Insyallah, I’ll pull through and get into NIE by July!

Things to look forward to this holiday:

• Batam trip on the 12th & 13th
• KL trip on the 31st Dec to 2nd Jan
• Catching up with SC

I’m kinda bumped over the fact that none of the trips above are with the besties.
I guess circumstances did not allow us to go overseas together.
I’m sure we have plenty of time to do that in 2010!
I miss them

This week will be a slow one for me. So I’m sorry in advance if I’m cranky all the time.
I realised that I hate it when I have nothing to look forward to, nothing exciting going on.
But I guess that’s part of life. I’m occupying my time by reading, or should I say, re-reading Breaking Dawn.
Caught New Moon yesterday and I loved it! It was much better than Twilight, so I’m expecting Eclipse to be grand!
Besides the eyecandies *ahem, half naked Jacob Black & a glittering Edward Cullen in suits*, the storyline is quite  accurate.  Unlike Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince which was an utter disappointment.

Another great book-to-silver-screen movie that I got the chance to catch recently was My Sister’s Keepers. The book was written by Jodi Picoult. If you loved the movie ‘A Walk to Remember’, you will definitely love this one. I cried buckets from beginning to end. It touches the heart like no other. Definitely worth watching.

I guess that’s all I have for now.  For visual treats, please go to my facebook acct as I hardly upload pictures here anymore!

Till the next entry,
Take care darlings!

 

Patience.

Frankly, I am an highly impatient girl who can’t stand waiting,
Or things not going my way,
Or redundancy.

I admit that.

& I hate myself for it.
Believe me, I’m trying.

I hate that I get worked up over the slightest things or issues.
It’s not doing me any good with my relationship with other people.
Definitely doesn’t help me in being a teacher.

I know how to reason, but somehow at the end of the day,
I hate myself for being able to do that.
Why? Because reasons will mean that I KNOW have to make do with certain situations.
It means that I have wait a little longer.

A little bit longer, & I’ll be fine.

Lifestory.

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust

I don’t know if there are still people reading this blog of mine.  If there is, my deepest apologies for abandoning/not updating/neglecting it. Several reasons for the absence.

• Started my contract teaching. I had a blast being a form teacher for my first 2 months. My class was filled with adorable 7-year-old. Definitely  a memorable way to start my career
• Too busy catching up and having a blast with my besties, good friend and anquintances.
• Hari raya had come and gone. Pictures of course, are mostly uploaded in FB. First time celebrating it with the beloved. It was memorable sans the usual house visits.
• Too busy being in love. Celebrated our 1 year of friendship a few days ago(corny, i know. but hey! that’s how people in love behave).  Almost 9 months together, as strong as ever. Yes, we had our shares of setbacks but nonethelessly, I’m glad I’m going through it with him.
• TURNED 2-0! No longer a teenager ):
• Last but not least, too busy being greatful with how my life is now.

Okay maybe those aren’t quite acceptable.
On another note, the pinnacle of irony is the fact that though I have so many good things to be thankful about, so many things going on for me, I feel uninspired. I think the best kind of writing is provoked by the deepest of emotions. Not just any emotions, but mostly the feeling of loneliness, heartbreaks, betrayal and unrequited love.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I want to be in that position because, for the love of all the lollipops and rainbows in this world, I’m at a point of my life where things are working out for me. Alhamdullilah. I’m just saying that I write better when I’m feeling like shit. To put it in layman’s terms.

Things are also working out for the people around me.
My bestfriends are settling in their own pace. Slowly, but surely, life comes full circle for each one of them.

My boyfriend has been the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. I don’t know what I did to deserve a man so patient, loving and pampers me like a little girl. I salute him for tolerating my nonsense and what-nots. I KNOW that I’m not the easiet person to deal with. As a matter of fact, I’m quite difficult. I love you sayang!

Okay, I’m blogging in sch.
Gotta go now~

To my little Boy.

There was once a boy,
So young, so full of energy.
His heart filled with childish dreams,
Reflecting innocence of a growing boy.

There was once a boy,
His eyes filled with excitedment for his 7th birthday.
A party at Macdonalds and a table full of gifts,
Running around the room, smiling with glee.

There was once a boy,
Who came home late from school.
Got a scolding from Nenek,
but does the same thing again the next day.

There was once a boy,
So mischievous and running wild.
Heart filled with raging hormones,
And unaltered teenage rebellion.

There was once a boy,
Now all grown up.
Piercings and blonde hair,
Scars from walking down the broken road.

There was once a boy,
Standing in his own corner.
Cigarette in his right hand,
Away from his blood, his family.

There was once a boy,
Who was found at a playground.
A victim of a broken home,
Lying there, dead.

Innalilah Wa’inallilahirajiun.

Al Fatihah to Boboy.
May Allah bless his broken soul and mend his broken heart.

In my eyes, you’re still the little boy I grew up with.
Kiss and hug Nenek for me, she’ll take good care of you There.
May you be at peace, finally.

Amin.

Twentieth.

So it’s that time of the year again.
Your’s truly turned a year older, and no longer a teen.
I’ve hit the big 2-0, y’all!
So I guess, it’s been a year of big changes for me.
Graduated from tertiary education, embarking into the working world FOR REAL (or so, in less than a week’s time),
falling head over heels over a particular boy and entering adulthood, one step at a time.
The twenties. A decade where bigger changes and challengers will present themselves.
So what do I forsee in the next decade?
Let’s list down a few shall we?

Career wise
I’ve always looked up to my teachers since kindergarten. When I was a little girl, I would play ‘teacher’ by myself and will force my dad to get me those small whiteboards and pretend that I’m teaching a class. I will get myself a red pen and those ’stars’ stamps and pretend to mark books of my make-believe students, and prance around in my sister’s heels. Well, like any other kids, I’m pretty fickle about what I wanted to be when I grow up. I wanted to be a teacher, a pediatrician, a fashion designer and etc. I’m hopeless when it comes to science, so you can check pediatrician out. I’m a terrible artist, so there goes my hopes of being a fashion designer. So one which really stuck with me is to be a teacher. Though I was pursuing a Diploma in Accountancy, I never had the passion for it. I always believed that you shouldn’t do what you don’t want to do, because at the end of the day, you will hate yourself for it and you eventually turn into a bitter person.  So having blessed with this opportunity to educate, I hope that it will turn out to be great and rewarding. Hopefully, I would also get a degree by the time I’m 30.  Insyallah.

Friendship
God knows, my bestfriends mean the world to me. We grew up together. We stuck through the highs and lows of being a child, being a tween, the countless heartbreaks and ex boyfriends and now at the brink of teenagehood, standing at the open gates of Adulthood. Who knows what’s beyond this door. But one thing’s for sure, we’re gonna go through it together. I see a potential young woman in each of you, I honestly do. You girls are great friends and you are gonna be a great girlfriends, great wives and great mothers. Any guy would be lucky to have you as their companion. Yes, we’ll face setbacks,  but you girls are the toughest people I know. What doesn’t kill you only make you stronger.I know we can count on each other on our toughest days. We’re gonna have field trips and picnics with our other halves and kids, and reminisce about our younger days, just like we always planned. Perhaps, we could still rock the karaoke machine like how we are rocking it now. Haha.
I love you girls from the bottom of my heart!
I have meet some wonderful people I’m lucky enough to call ‘friends’. I hope despite our crazy schedules, we will continue to keep in touch (thank the Gods of Facebook) as good friends are hard to come by. I only wish the best for each and everyone of you.

Love
Like any girl, I want to live happily ever after with my  Prince Charming. Well, you see, I met this wonderful guy and since our first conversation, he tugged my heart strings. Who is this guy who have such an effect on me? Who does he think he is? Barging into my life and made me feel like I actually needed a guy to complete me? But since Day One, he did nothing but make me feel special in my own skin. He accepts me the way I am, and is always looking out for me, whether I like it or not. Always wanting the best in me. Always patient with me. Always pampering me in his own ways. Always respecting me as a woman. I am so blessed to have met him, and to have him love me the way he does.  I would love for us to be ‘halal’ for each other, in the eyes of God, one fine day Insyallah. & perhaps have little firs/fyezas running ard before I turn 30 after I’m 25 (family planning babe! hehe.)
Mohammad Firdaus, you are truly amazing, and will always be tucked in a special place in my heart.

So there you go, my take on the next 10 years of my life. I’m not much of a planner, not much of a risk taker, but those are definitely some things I wanna achieve. I don’t know if I will achieve them all. But even if I don’t, I know that He has bigger plans for me and I shall accept it with an open heart. That doesn’t mean that I will leave it all up to fate, because life doesn’t work that way. You gotta work for it. It’s up to Him if he wants to grant it to you or not. It’s better going through life knowing that you have tried, rather than living with the regret of not trying and ‘What ifs’.
Life is what you make it.

Syurga Cinta

Sesungguhnya saya sudah menjumpai apa yang dikatakan jodoh dari Allah. Saya mahu menjadikan awak yang halal untuk saya. Sentiasa berada disisi saya dalam susah dan senang, sentiasa menemani saya di dunia, akhirat dan Insyallah, cinta sampai syurga.